SET A COURSE FOR PLANET HELL, COMMANDER

[elapses]

If the various Star Trek series were cop shows, the original series would be Starsky & Hutch, the Next Generation would be CSI, Deep Space 9 would be the Wire (except only at like, 60% intensity, it is still in space), Voyager would be Bones, and Enterprise would be CSI: Miami.

THINK ABOUT IT.

So goldenmelisande and I decided to rewatch Voyager (and, eventually/concurrently/WHO KNOWS WHEN DS9, which is more complicated since the entire series is not up on youtube) AND OH MY GOD, it... is maybe the most delightful thing? I MEAN OKAY, there are parts you have to suffer through -- Neelix and Kes having romantic beats (EW), the Kazon and their stupid ugly hair, and about 50% of the holoprograms are suuuuuper awkward (JANEWAY EYRE IS THE WORST, ick, but Sandriiiiiine's totally makes up for it), and then last night, after a run of three AWESOME episode the show BETRAYED US WITH... really gross hallucinations, but then it's just... Voyager. Objectively I can understand why a person would think that it's crap (except I can't, BECAUSE IT HAS B'ELANNA TORRES) but this show is... my youth. IT'S RUBBER, YOU'RE GLUE, AND ALL YOUR CRITICISMS BOUNCE OFF IT AND STICK TO YOU.


The first time we meet Captain Kathryn M. Janeway, while she is, through body language, communicating just how badassly fabulous she is, her hair is not up to the challenge. THAT IS YOUR GRANDMOTHER'S/LIBRARIAN'S BUN, KJ.

LUCKILY, the second time, she has dressed it up to the PRETTIEST BUN IN THE WORLD for her first (?) day of command:

I AM... legitimately kind of obsessed with this bun. Like, to the degree where I was genuinely offended when "Shattered" aired, and they went back in time to this day but didn't properly recreate the hair (TELEVISION SHOWS INVOLVING TIME TRAVEL SHOULD HIRE PEOPLE TO MAINTAIN HAIR CONTINUITY. Man I would be so good at that job.) IT'S JUST THAT IT'S SO PRETTY, WITH ALL THE CURLIES PERFECTLY PILED ON TOP OF HER HEAD. All hair should aspire to be this hair:


Of course the magnificent hair falls prey to like, coherent tetryon beams in space. LAME.
(the first rule of Star Trek: Voyager is that you can always tell how bad the space battle of the week is by how much it messes up the hair. This one is baaaaaaaaaad, obviously.)

On her way to SAVE THIS SHIP from like, ENGINEERING CRISES and EXPLOSIONS and DELTA QUADRANT MAYHEM she fixes her hair. It is not as beautiful, for obvious priority reasons :(

Most people would have to get a moment to themselves to recover previous hair integrity. But like... this is Kathryn Janeway. SHE CAN GET BEAMED OUT OF ENGINEERING BY A OMNISCIENT BANJOMAN, experimented on for three days, and you better BELIEVE her hair is this fucking fabulous five minutes after she's back on her bridge.

They're trying reaaaaaaaaally hard but it's just NEVER GOING TO BE THE SAME AS IT WAS THAT FIRST DAY ;___________; (SHE IS THE PRETTIEST CAPTAIN. And also the beeeeeeeest Captain.)

By the end of the pilot it has settled into normal bun of steel proportions, and then it kind of... continues normalizing, during the rest of the season:




Sometimes she takes ill-fated two-episode detours into experimenting with Seven of Nine hair:

(BUT HEY, if you were in a super stressful situation in which you were LOST IN SPACE and everyone at home thought you were dead, and you were the captain and had to be in charge ALL THE FREAKING TIME you would totally de-stress by hair experimentation? SHE'S A GIRL, IT... JUST HELPS HER FEEL A LITTLE BETTER?)

Also sometimes circumstances require she let her hair down a little:
(NOTE THAT HER HAIR IS LONG, which is a logical thing to assume, since one would require a lot of hair to achieve her levels of bun of steel.)

When season 2 starts, Kathryn Janeway continues to have magical hair restorative powers:
(BEFORE)

(AFTER)


Actually, in general, the hair is pretty magical and gravity-defying:




Oh, Janewayhairs. CURSE YOUR SUDDEN BUT INEVITABLE BETRAYAL.


IT'S LIKE AN UGLY, FLOOFY VERSION OF HER LATER-SEASONS HAIR. Randomly in the middle of season 2! WHAT! WHYYYYYYYY. CATHERINE SAID SHE GUESSES THE GIRLS POOLED THEIR REPLICATOR RATIONS AND GOT THEMSELVES A BLOW DRYER/DRIER -- and like, I GUESS? IT IS THE ONLY EXPLANATION?

She says "girls" because B'ELANNA DOES IT TOO:

Admittedly B'Elannas usual hair do is not as much of a gravitational marvel as the bun of steel, BUT THAT IS NO REASON TO UGLY IT UP, VOYAGER HAIRSTYLISTS CIRCA 1996!!! God damn.

THE WORST PART IS THAT NEXT EPISODE, everything is back to normal WITH NO ADDITIONAL HAIR COMMENTARY:
I just... KATHRYN JANEWAY, YOU SHOULD NOT HAVE ENOUGH HAIR FOR THAT?????? What are those, SPACE EXTENTIONS????

Comments

[the-wanlorn.livejournal.com]

So what you're saying is, I would love Voyager a hundred times more than I would love DS9?

[elapses.livejournal.com]

That is exactly what I am saying. DS9 is about, like, war and dramatic tension, Voyager is about bffs in space.

[goldenmelisande.livejournal.com]

SPACE EXTENSIONS!!!! Clearly, the only explanation. :( ALSO I LIKE YOUR COP SHOW ANALOGY. EXCEPT THAT I GET NO JOY FROM CSI:MIAMI AND THAT IS NOT THE CASE FOR ENTERPRISE.

IL THIS SHOOOOOOOOOOOOW EVEN THROUGH ITS VICIOUS BETRAYALS. BFFS!!! DOC <3S KES!!!! THE DQ!!!!!!!!!!!!! PRETTY LADIES WITH PRETTY HAIR!!! (Kes' hair is SO MUCH BETTER NOW, it's actually pretty and suits her, ty jesus.)

[elapses.livejournal.com]

I AGREE THAT CSI: MIAMI IS NOT QUITE THE... RIGHT ANALOGY FOR ENTERPRISE, but then there is no cop show out there that quite captures all the criteria:
1. TERRIBLENESS
2. TRULY OBNOXIOUS CHARACTERS WITH TOO MUCH SCREENTIME
3. Underutilized awesome characters
4. A decent final season after 3 seasons of craaaaaaaaap
5. The best ship EVER (well, not ever but they are def. OTP material, if you disregard the "O" part)
6. ADORABLE T'POL
7. ADORABLE TRIP

So :(

I KNOW THEY TOOOOOTALLY FIXED KES' HAIR. And... I... don't know if it's because I've been bombarded by a 23 episodes of UNIFORMS and UGLY SPACE FASHION (please make me turn off my capslock, god)... but... her clothes are starting to kind of appeal to me? God, I AM STILL SO DISAPPOINTED THAT THE UNIVERSE DID NOT LET US HAVE KES/SEVEN BONDING? Where is our fic-o-matic machine, I need it SO BADLY right now?

[goldenmelisande.livejournal.com]

YEAH I GUESS YOU'RE RIGHT. CSI:Miami just has #1 and...maybe #2 and actually I have no idea, I've seen like 2 episodes total, so.

OMG I NEED KES/SEVEN BONDING FIC SO BADLY. Just like I need Doctor's HXC crush on Kes fic, and Harry and B'Elanna and Tom getting drunk and maudlin (and then giggly) fic, and Tuvok mentoring B'Elanna fic. TREK FANDOM, STEP IT UP. >:(

[elapses.livejournal.com]

I HAVE SEEN ZERO. Actually, tbh, the only cop show in my analogy I have seen an entire episode of is Bones. Uh. Maybe I should look before I speak?

I ALSO STILL REALLY WANT FIC WHERE SEVEN HAS A HUGE CRUSH ON B'ELANNA, and B'Elanna does not get it and thinks Seven's like, spying on her and her boyfriend again. Universe... please?

[superskittles76.livejournal.com]

I have a love/hate relationship with the Bun of Steel. I like it because it's quintessentially Janeway, but I also sorta hate buns and adoooooore her later seasons hair.

I LOVE YOUR VOY POSTS, ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU GET ANAL ABOUT THINGS LIKE HAIR

ps but your trekcore links don't work

[elapses.livejournal.com]

I LOVE ITTTTTTT, I will not lie. But my favorite is probably the season 3 ponytail. I like the later hair but not quite as much? I DON'T KNOW, the bun of steel is magical. It's like she keeps it up and poofy through sheer force of will.

AND TY I KNOW, apparently hotlinking is bad and... people don't like it when I do it? I've mostly fixed them.

[annalouwho.livejournal.com]

wow, deep space 9 would be the wire? i think that's the one ron moore wrote the most for... that makes sense. and CSI: miami is that bad?

[elapses.livejournal.com]

Yeah it is the one he did, ALTHOUGH NOTE THE 60% INTENSITY -- it's good but it's not quite at the same level of serious business. (When DS9 ended, RDM did a season of Voyager and I think I've read that his hatred of the way things worked eventually played into BSG.)

[annalouwho.livejournal.com]

yeah, i read that too.

[elapses.livejournal.com]

NOT TO LIKE, BOMBARD YOU WITH INFORMATION YOU DO NOT CARE ABOUT/DO NOT NEED (except that's totally what I'm doing), it reaaaaaally makes sense. One of Voyager's hardcore issues is that even though it's a show about being cut off from home and being alone in space, 98% of the time it does not show the desolation/lonely/scary side of that? It's... pretty lulzy the whole time. And the producers ABSOLUTELY REFUSED to do story arcs because the standalone format of TNG had worked so well for them (especially in syndication) -- but it... was a different premise. AND IT WAS A DUMB CHOICE.

[annalouwho.livejournal.com]

no, that's very interesting! i can totally see how BSG was a reaction to that. i also remember from an interview with him that he wanted to do stuff on voyager with, like, the ship breaking down after battles or running out of fuel or whatever, but no one would let him do that either.

i feel like maybe i should try watching some star trek series. i don't know, though. it feels more like a catch-an-episode-on-tv-once-in-a-while kind of sshow rather than a get-all-the-DVDs-and-immerse-myself-in-it-for-a-week kind.

but, i must say, i am a big fan of janeway's bun also. but i think i love her hair the most when it's long and half pulled back, like here (http://pics.livejournal.com/elapses/pic/000q5t00). preeeeeetty.

[elapses.livejournal.com]

he wanted to do stuff on voyager with, like, the ship breaking down after battles or running out of fuel or whatever, but no one would let him do that either.
Yeah, and like... he should have been able to do that. They skipped over a lot of good storytelling opportunities because it was out of their "comfort zone". Berman and Braga (the idiots in charge) were pretty obsessed with the more commercial success of Next Gen, and they stifled a lot of creativity (I've read interviews with Bryan Fuller about how his episodes got mucked with too). It's still got a lot of little shining moments (in my admittedly biased/nostalgic opinion), and fabulous characters but it's mostly in spite of the powers that be.

And yeah you should! I think you'd really like DS9, but... it sucks because it's hard to find anything but the original and TNG on reruns.

I KNOW, I wish she did her hair like that more oftennnn! So far that's the only episode she's done her hair like that.

[thatlldopig.livejournal.com]

the only Star Trek I watched. I really loved it when I was younger but I haven't seen it in forever. great picspam! B'Elanna!

[elapses.livejournal.com]

I DIDN'T KNOW THAT ABOUT YOU! It was my Trek too, I've seen a little of DS9 and TNG and Enterprise, but it is the only one I was truly invested in. BUT THAT B'ELANNA TORRES, MAAAAAAAN.

[thatlldopig.livejournal.com]

HAHAHAHA, I'm a closeted case! but no, it's been over 10 years since I saw my last Voyager, I almost forgot about it. this was such a fun reminder of the fun times. I wish they would run it again here, I'd totally watch.

I saw some of DS9 and a bit more of TNG but never really got into either.

I guess I like me my Bones of STs. :D

[elapses.livejournal.com]

I saw some of DS9 and a bit more of TNG but never really got into either.
THEY'RE JUST NOT BONESY ENOUGH, it's true. Space:Voyager as Crime:Bones. It's really not much more than a backdrop. A backdrop for joy.

[thatlldopig.livejournal.com]

heh, exactly!

[sunspawn.livejournal.com]

I CANNOT EVEN EXPRESS HOW MUCH I LOVE YOUR INSIGHTS ON THIS SHOW. I WANT TO SCREAM AND BITE THINGS.

Voyager would be Bones
YES. KJLHSDF LOLOL BUT OHMYGOD YES

I wish I could go to the Star Trek experience in Vegas with you. We would rock that place so hard they'll never know what hit them.

i have no icons D:

[elapses.livejournal.com]

OMG HELL, I WISH YOU HAD GCHAT SO YOU COULD WATCH WITH US! I mean we've mostly been on at night so I guess it wouldn't work (I HATE TIME ZONES SO MUCH) but :(((((((((( Tonight we have to watch "Tattoo". I don't remember it but GUESSING FROM THE TITLE, IT IS GOING TO BE ONE OF THOSE BORING CHAKOTAY EPISODES :(

And oh my god I KNOW WE WOULD HAVE SO MUCH FUN. Didn't they close it though? I THOUGHT I READ THAT? Flaaaaaaaaaaarb.

D:

[sunspawn.livejournal.com]

KJDFKJSDF TIMEZONES FUCKING RUIN MY LIFE. And I have to work tomorrow D:

TATTOO. IS THAT THE ONE WITH THE BOXING? Also, ever notice how he got kinda fat-ish over time?

THEY DID!? WHY. WHAT GOOD DOES THAT DO FOR ANYONE.

[elapses.livejournal.com]

DDDDDDDDD:

IDK, maybe?? But he IS kind of fat in the boxing one, isn't he? So probably not because we're only in season 2. Tbh I'm not even sure it's a Chakotay episode, I just... can't imagine something called "Tattoo" would be about anything else.

Everyone gets fat over time -- I AM SO SAD, because Tom Paris is so attractive where we are and I just... know it won't last forever ;_____;

IT DOES NO GOOD, ONLY BAD.

[sunspawn.livejournal.com]

I actually thought he was hot in the pilot, and it just went lol downhill from there. Lol dude, think about it how can something called Tattoo not be about Chakotay.

Everyone gets fat over time
AND WATCH HOW JANEWAY IS JUST AWESOMING THROUGH SPACE THE ENTIRE TIME.

[elapses.livejournal.com]

AHAHAH by "everyone" I meant "the boys", obviously. THE GIRLS JUST GET HOTTER AND HOTTER.

[sleuths.livejournal.com]

DUDE I LOVE THIS POST, and I am now remembering with full love just how freaaaking much I've always loved your hilarious and witty commentary and ALL ELSE. How did I deprive myself of all of this?

BASICALLY EVEN THOUGH I'VE NEVER WATCHED ANYTHING STAR TREK RELATED AND I HAVE NO IDEA WHO THESE PEOPLE ARE, I CAN UNDERSTAND A HAIR TRAGEDY AND MAGICAL HAIR. Her most magical one as you said and I must agree SO REMINDS ME OF MY HAIR FOR PROM. Dude. Amaaaazing.

[elapses.livejournal.com]

YOU ARE SO RIGHT, IT IS SIMILAR TO YOUR PROM HAIR!!! Uhhhh, amazing? Did you do that yourself or did you get it done? SOMEDAY I WILL MAKE MY HAIR DO THAT. Someday.

AND ADRIENNE, thank you thank you, that is so sweet of you to say.

[ohvienna.livejournal.com]

EEEEEEEEE I love this post. I've just started watching Voyager (and DS9) for the first time. TNG was my first fandom, but then I got into other things while the new Treks were on and just didn't watch for whatever reason. LOL to me still thinking of them as the "new" ST series, haha.

[elapses.livejournal.com]

OH I AM SO GLAD! I was the same way but totally different -- I'm a little younger, so Voyager was my first fandom, and I was never... as exposed to TNG or DS9. I hope you end up liking V at least a little, because it is my baby. And even though it's flawed, ugh, the characters, MAN (just as a forewarning, though: I'm in the middle of season 2 and it suuuuuuucks).

I REALLY LIKE, more than anything else, how the new movie has inspired a new wave of old Trek watching. HI I'M A NERD.

STRANGER SAYS HELLO

[(Anonymous)]

Well you've no idea how fortuitous this chance encounter with your blog is.
I too am too young to have gotten into star trek much but have always adored Voyager.

truly, it was my first foray into nerdom/fandom aha and i forgot about it. but i happened upon them on youtube and am now attempting to watch all episodes. to be honest i am finding it difficult to stay interested if B'Elanna, Tom or Harry aren't in episodes. preferably all together.

But almost everything you've mentioned about Voyager (what i've read anyway) is identical to how i see the show. freaky to say the least.
anywhooooo keep it up, tres cute!

and i loved the episode first season where you find out that B'Elanna has a wicked crush on Chakotay very interesting.

- AYAN (kytomia@hotmail.com)