SET A COURSE FOR PLANET HELL, COMMANDER

[elapses]

If the various Star Trek series were cop shows, the original series would be Starsky & Hutch, the Next Generation would be CSI, Deep Space 9 would be the Wire (except only at like, 60% intensity, it is still in space), Voyager would be Bones, and Enterprise would be CSI: Miami.

THINK ABOUT IT.

So goldenmelisande and I decided to rewatch Voyager (and, eventually/concurrently/WHO KNOWS WHEN DS9, which is more complicated since the entire series is not up on youtube) AND OH MY GOD, it... is maybe the most delightful thing? I MEAN OKAY, there are parts you have to suffer through -- Neelix and Kes having romantic beats (EW), the Kazon and their stupid ugly hair, and about 50% of the holoprograms are suuuuuper awkward (JANEWAY EYRE IS THE WORST, ick, but Sandriiiiiine's totally makes up for it), and then last night, after a run of three AWESOME episode the show BETRAYED US WITH... really gross hallucinations, but then it's just... Voyager. Objectively I can understand why a person would think that it's crap (except I can't, BECAUSE IT HAS B'ELANNA TORRES) but this show is... my youth. IT'S RUBBER, YOU'RE GLUE, AND ALL YOUR CRITICISMS BOUNCE OFF IT AND STICK TO YOU.


The first time we meet Captain Kathryn M. Janeway, while she is, through body language, communicating just how badassly fabulous she is, her hair is not up to the challenge. THAT IS YOUR GRANDMOTHER'S/LIBRARIAN'S BUN, KJ.

LUCKILY, the second time, she has dressed it up to the PRETTIEST BUN IN THE WORLD for her first (?) day of command:

I AM... legitimately kind of obsessed with this bun. Like, to the degree where I was genuinely offended when "Shattered" aired, and they went back in time to this day but didn't properly recreate the hair (TELEVISION SHOWS INVOLVING TIME TRAVEL SHOULD HIRE PEOPLE TO MAINTAIN HAIR CONTINUITY. Man I would be so good at that job.) IT'S JUST THAT IT'S SO PRETTY, WITH ALL THE CURLIES PERFECTLY PILED ON TOP OF HER HEAD. All hair should aspire to be this hair:


Of course the magnificent hair falls prey to like, coherent tetryon beams in space. LAME.
(the first rule of Star Trek: Voyager is that you can always tell how bad the space battle of the week is by how much it messes up the hair. This one is baaaaaaaaaad, obviously.)

On her way to SAVE THIS SHIP from like, ENGINEERING CRISES and EXPLOSIONS and DELTA QUADRANT MAYHEM she fixes her hair. It is not as beautiful, for obvious priority reasons :(

Most people would have to get a moment to themselves to recover previous hair integrity. But like... this is Kathryn Janeway. SHE CAN GET BEAMED OUT OF ENGINEERING BY A OMNISCIENT BANJOMAN, experimented on for three days, and you better BELIEVE her hair is this fucking fabulous five minutes after she's back on her bridge.

They're trying reaaaaaaaaally hard but it's just NEVER GOING TO BE THE SAME AS IT WAS THAT FIRST DAY ;___________; (SHE IS THE PRETTIEST CAPTAIN. And also the beeeeeeeest Captain.)

By the end of the pilot it has settled into normal bun of steel proportions, and then it kind of... continues normalizing, during the rest of the season:




Sometimes she takes ill-fated two-episode detours into experimenting with Seven of Nine hair:

(BUT HEY, if you were in a super stressful situation in which you were LOST IN SPACE and everyone at home thought you were dead, and you were the captain and had to be in charge ALL THE FREAKING TIME you would totally de-stress by hair experimentation? SHE'S A GIRL, IT... JUST HELPS HER FEEL A LITTLE BETTER?)

Also sometimes circumstances require she let her hair down a little:
(NOTE THAT HER HAIR IS LONG, which is a logical thing to assume, since one would require a lot of hair to achieve her levels of bun of steel.)

When season 2 starts, Kathryn Janeway continues to have magical hair restorative powers:
(BEFORE)

(AFTER)


Actually, in general, the hair is pretty magical and gravity-defying:




Oh, Janewayhairs. CURSE YOUR SUDDEN BUT INEVITABLE BETRAYAL.


IT'S LIKE AN UGLY, FLOOFY VERSION OF HER LATER-SEASONS HAIR. Randomly in the middle of season 2! WHAT! WHYYYYYYYY. CATHERINE SAID SHE GUESSES THE GIRLS POOLED THEIR REPLICATOR RATIONS AND GOT THEMSELVES A BLOW DRYER/DRIER -- and like, I GUESS? IT IS THE ONLY EXPLANATION?

She says "girls" because B'ELANNA DOES IT TOO:

Admittedly B'Elannas usual hair do is not as much of a gravitational marvel as the bun of steel, BUT THAT IS NO REASON TO UGLY IT UP, VOYAGER HAIRSTYLISTS CIRCA 1996!!! God damn.

THE WORST PART IS THAT NEXT EPISODE, everything is back to normal WITH NO ADDITIONAL HAIR COMMENTARY:
I just... KATHRYN JANEWAY, YOU SHOULD NOT HAVE ENOUGH HAIR FOR THAT?????? What are those, SPACE EXTENTIONS????

Comments

[the-wanlorn.livejournal.com]

So what you're saying is, I would love Voyager a hundred times more than I would love DS9?

[goldenmelisande.livejournal.com]

SPACE EXTENSIONS!!!! Clearly, the only explanation. :( ALSO I LIKE YOUR COP SHOW ANALOGY. EXCEPT THAT I GET NO JOY FROM CSI:MIAMI AND THAT IS NOT THE CASE FOR ENTERPRISE.

IL THIS SHOOOOOOOOOOOOW EVEN THROUGH ITS VICIOUS BETRAYALS. BFFS!!! DOC <3S KES!!!! THE DQ!!!!!!!!!!!!! PRETTY LADIES WITH PRETTY HAIR!!! (Kes' hair is SO MUCH BETTER NOW, it's actually pretty and suits her, ty jesus.)

[superskittles76.livejournal.com]

I have a love/hate relationship with the Bun of Steel. I like it because it's quintessentially Janeway, but I also sorta hate buns and adoooooore her later seasons hair.

I LOVE YOUR VOY POSTS, ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU GET ANAL ABOUT THINGS LIKE HAIR

ps but your trekcore links don't work

[annalouwho.livejournal.com]

wow, deep space 9 would be the wire? i think that's the one ron moore wrote the most for... that makes sense. and CSI: miami is that bad?

[thatlldopig.livejournal.com]

the only Star Trek I watched. I really loved it when I was younger but I haven't seen it in forever. great picspam! B'Elanna!

[sunspawn.livejournal.com]

I CANNOT EVEN EXPRESS HOW MUCH I LOVE YOUR INSIGHTS ON THIS SHOW. I WANT TO SCREAM AND BITE THINGS.

Voyager would be Bones
YES. KJLHSDF LOLOL BUT OHMYGOD YES

I wish I could go to the Star Trek experience in Vegas with you. We would rock that place so hard they'll never know what hit them.

i have no icons D:

[sleuths.livejournal.com]

DUDE I LOVE THIS POST, and I am now remembering with full love just how freaaaking much I've always loved your hilarious and witty commentary and ALL ELSE. How did I deprive myself of all of this?

BASICALLY EVEN THOUGH I'VE NEVER WATCHED ANYTHING STAR TREK RELATED AND I HAVE NO IDEA WHO THESE PEOPLE ARE, I CAN UNDERSTAND A HAIR TRAGEDY AND MAGICAL HAIR. Her most magical one as you said and I must agree SO REMINDS ME OF MY HAIR FOR PROM. Dude. Amaaaazing.

[ohvienna.livejournal.com]

EEEEEEEEE I love this post. I've just started watching Voyager (and DS9) for the first time. TNG was my first fandom, but then I got into other things while the new Treks were on and just didn't watch for whatever reason. LOL to me still thinking of them as the "new" ST series, haha.