little chakotay in the big woods

[elapses]

OMG YOU GUYS WE JUST WATCHED
~*~RESOLUTIONS~*~

AND THIS SHIT IS HILARIOUS.

YOU SEE... once upon a time, when they were marooned on a planet ~forever alone together~ in their little log cabin (except of course they were back on the ship by the end of the episode), the Captain made the mistake of telling Chakotay that he could call her "Kathryn". AND HE THOUGHT... "OOOOH, MAYBE THIS MEANS I CAN GET LAID!!!!"




THE FIRST STEP IN ANY FRONTIER MAN'S WOOING MANUAL IS TO BUILD A GIRL A BATHTUB.


But Chakotay was tragically relegated inside to make sandpaintings during the naked parts.


Hmmmmmm... too obvious? Maybe next time I should try something less naked if I want her naked with me.





"HEY KATHRYN... DO YOU REALIZE... THAT WE ARE GOING TO BE ON THIS PLANET... ALONE... TOGETHER... FOREVER?"


"Yes?"







"Hey Chakotay, whatcha doin'?"


"Building you a headboard, because I know you like to read in bed...


...it's just how I am...


...making you things, cooking for you, wearing adorable woodsman britches for your viewing pleasure, being the man of your dreams? :D?"


"That's really sweet Chakotay! I'm going to go collect some bugs, k?"


I'm actually the last man on the planet and she'd still rather do science experiments than fuck me. FML




"Hey Chakotay, you know what...


My outfit is disgusting and this sucks a little less than camping."


:D :D :D
(OH GOD YOU GUYS SERIOUSLY, these caps don't do his justice, but his whole face LIGHTS UP, IT'S THE FUNNIEST THING.)



Now, the lady has not responded to the bathtub, the headboard, the cooking, the time he saved her from the plasma storm, his numerous reminders that they are the only two people on this planet and will be ~for the rest of their lives~, or his offer to build her a log cabin. CLEARLY IT'S...

BACKRUB TIME!


"Chakotay, is that a phaser in your pocket, or are you just... uh... oh."


FML


OKAY THIS NEXT PART IS LEGIT DIALOGUE, I... cannot make it any funnier than it already was:

""I'm not sure I can...define peramaters. But I can tell you a story, an acient legend among my people. Its about an angry warrior who lived his life in conflict with the rest of his tribe, a man who couldn't find peace even with the help of his spirit guide. For years he stuggled with his discontent, but the only satisfaction he ever got came when he was in battle. This made him a hero among his tribe, but the warrior still longed for peace within himself. One day he and his war party were captured by a neighboring tribe, lead by a woman warrior. She called on him to join her, because her tribe was too small and weak to defend itself from all its enimies. The woman warrior was brave, and beautiful, and very wise. The angry warrior swore to himself that he would stay by her side, doing whatever he could to make her burden lighter. From that point on her needs would come first; and in that way, the warrior began to know the true meaning of peace."


AAAAAAAAAAAND THEN THEY (PROBABLY) HAD SEX. Mission accomplished, Chakotay! You darn talented half-pint, you!

Oh, and C-Catherine? I... have a present for you.

Comments

[goldenmelisande.livejournal.com]

LITTLE CHAKOTAY IN THE BIG WOODS!!!! OH MY GOD ALEX, THIS EPISODE WAS LIKE THE MOST DELIGHTFUL THING IN THE HISTORY OF EVER. I AM STILL LIKE CHOKING BACK LAUGHTER AS I TYPE THIS. CHAKOTAY JUST WANTS TO SETTLE DOWN IN A LITTLE LOG CABIN AND HAVE LOTS OF SEX AND MAYBE EVENTUALLY HAVE 4 DAUGHTERS AND OKAY SO WHAT IF HE DOES WANT TO BUY BUILD A COVERED WAGON AND HEAD WEST, THAT'S HIS PREROGATIVE, OKAY.

[elapses.livejournal.com]

HE JUST WANTS TO GET A GIRL AND TREAT 'ER RIGHT AND BUILD HER THINGS AND LIKE, WHY DOESN'T THE CUTE LADY SCIENTIST WANT HIM? HE IS VERY DESIRABLE, OKAY??????? HE'S GOT SOME FUCKING BRITCHES.

[goldenmelisande.livejournal.com]

HOW DOES SHE NOT SEE HIS CHARM?????? HE'S FUCKING SENSITIVE, OKAY. HE HAS AN ~ARTIST'S SOUL~ (CHECK OUT THOSE SAND PAINTINGS GODDAMN) BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN HE CAN'T BE MANLY AND PROTECTIVE (AS CLEARLY DEMONSTRATED DURING THAT ADVANTAGEOUS PLASMA STORM). WHAT ELSE COULD SHE POSSIBLY WANT?!?!?!?????

[elapses.livejournal.com]

HE JUST WANTS TO GET LAID ;___________;

[famousdeaths.livejournal.com]

LOL I'm watching Voyager for the first time - I picked some random Trek to watch - and I shipped Janeway/Chakotay SO HARD until Tom and B'Elanna stole my heart.

Still, THEY TOTALLY HAD SEX IN THAT EPISODE. After that story how could Janeway not put out?

[elapses.livejournal.com]

OH MY GOD YOU ARE??? Where are you in the series?

WHEN I FIRST SAW THIS, I was so sure they didn't have sex in that episode and just... existed in their tragic sexless command love story. WRONG. Of course, I was eleven. Tom and B'Elanna were my OTP (my first TV ship ever!) and I was still all "WHAAAAAAAAT?" when Seven implied that they had had "intimate relations" (BECAUSE I'M SURE THEY WERE CELIBATE AFTER A YEAR OF DATING).

[famousdeaths.livejournal.com]

I'm on season 5. My last episode was the one where B'Elanna is all I'M DEPRESSED AND WANT TO DIE and fights like Cardassians and stuff in the holodeck.

Dude, I totally just stalked your Voyager tag and now I'm now listening to "To the Moon and Back" and I'm picturing fanboy Darren Hayes writing a Tom/B'Elanna song and I'm laughing so hard. But yeah, I ship them a lot. After that hilarious pon farr episode how could I not?

[elapses.livejournal.com]

LOOOOOOOOL, oh god I remember that one. THEY KIND OF TRIED TO MAKE AN ARC! KIND OF! SORT OF! (Seriously, I don't get how a show can be so terrible and so delightful all at once?)

AND OMG LOL I KNOW, I'M SURE HE DIDN'T REALLY (or... did he? I MEAN THE LOVE INTEREST IS A PILOT) but it's so fucking funny to imagine.

"BLOOD FEVER"!!! CANON FUCK OR DIE, Voyager is so... fanfictiony, oh my god. It's pretty wonderful.

[famousdeaths.livejournal.com]

Really? I did mock the show for resolving everything in 45 minutes.

Blood Fever is seriously one of the greatest things I've ever seen. I seriously could not stop laughing. Vorik is SO BITCHY. I love how ridiculous everything related to pon farr is. AND THE FIGHT AT THE END. All is resolved by some epic fighting that is actually really lame. I spent the whole episode like... chortling with delight. But the same can be said about a lot of episodes, such as

[elapses.livejournal.com]

Oh, not really really. They just hinted at her ~depression~ before the depression episode, which is a feat for Voyager.

I am seriously so excited to get to it (we're at the one where they visit ~1996 Los Angeles~, BECAUSE YOU KNOW, THAT'S WHAT ALL FEDERATION SHIPS LOST IN THE DELTA QUADRANT DO, so it's soooooooon), because god it is like... CANDY. RIDICULOUS, HILARIOUS CANDY. I am biased, but it might actually be the best thing to come out of the pon farr. Except maybe the Doctor's pon farr song. (You'll know it when you see it.)

THE KILLING GAME!!!!!!!! I swear to god, I do not understand how anyone could hate this show. Unless they actually hate fun.

[elapses.livejournal.com]

OKAY I TAKE BACK MY PREVIOUS COMMENT NOW THAT I HAVE SEEN THE EPISODE, they did not try to make that an arc at all. In fact, I think it was the greatet affront of continuity to date. YOU CAN'T PULL LONG-TERM DEPRESSION OUT OF YOUR ASSES, WRITERS, SRY2SAY.

[thecolorbetween.livejournal.com]

What is with all the Hawaiian shirts and themed outfits? Also, that one dude's hair changes a loooot! And that scene when they were in the cave (??) looks kind of hot? (That word really weirds me out to describe situations, but whatevs.) Is he a good guy? Bad guy? A womanizer (womanizer)?

[elapses.livejournal.com]

They have a lot of holodeck adventures!

But the joke behind the video is that the character (Tom), is set up to be a ~womanizer~ and a ~bad boy~ and is just... UTTERLY TERRIBLE AT IT. I mean, not in his actual actions -- he's supposed to be suave and in the actual acting sense he pulls it off, but basically in his entire tenure of the show a) makes out with a blonde alien, b) has a crush on his friend (who is dating someone else, and he goes out of his way to respect that), c) kisses three holograms (two of which he programmed himself), and d) kisses Sarah Silverman. NOT EXACTLY A TRUE WOMANIZER'S MANIFESTO. IN ORDER TO FILL THAT MINUTE OF TIME, I had to include the (HILARIOUSLY TERRIBLE) episode where he mutates into a salamander and he and the captain have salamander babies.

ANYWAY YES, the scene in the cave is amaaaaaaazing. That's the girl he eventually marries. My first ship!

[famousdeaths.livejournal.com]

pisode where he mutates into a salamander and he and the captain have salamander babies.

HAHAHAHAHA I FORGOT ABOUT THAT ONE.

[elapses.livejournal.com]

SAD AS IT IS, goldenmelisande and I thought it was one of the highlights of season 2.

[thecolorbetween.livejournal.com]

Holograms? SARAH SILVERMAN? I am both confused and intrigued. Those salamanders kinda freaked me out! Never would have guessed they were people. Which Star Trek was this? When were they your first ship (as in, was this within the last few years or when you were young?)? Something tells me this show had a lot of hilariously terrible/wonderful episodes?

(who is dating someone else, and he goes out of his way to respect that)
Ooh, I like him!

[elapses.livejournal.com]

This was Star Trek: Voyager, and they were my first ship when I was ten/eleven (which was the show's final season, 2001). It's generally considered the worst Trek (well, except for Enterprise), but it was... my first TV show? And so it's kind of my baby? BUT YES INDEED, it's got a lot of hilariously terrible episodes and a lot of boring episodes and a lot of puuuuuuuure joy.

Sarah Silverman is in the episode we're watching right now actually! She plays a snarky scientist in a belly shirt when they go back to 1996 Los Angeles. I SWEAR TO GOD, the small bit of affection I have for her comes from her participation in that episode.

And yeah you would like him, he's lovely. Unfortunately he kind of loses his looks.

[thecolorbetween.livejournal.com]

I think my first ship was Zack/Kelly from Saved by the Bell. OH, MAN, I wanted to be Kelly Kapowski, in large part so that I could date Zack Morris. LOL, my younger self.

Haha, that seems so random! I feel I could use that as a bit of trivia in some situation in which I might benefit from having such a random factoid (I'm very sleepy, do those words actually make sense?).

And yeah you would like him, he's lovely. Unfortunately he kind of loses his looks.
I noticed! I Googled the actor, and I was going to comment saying, "Yeah, he did not age well." Was the short hair earlier or later? Because I like that much better. I likely lovely people, Alex. I'm glad you chose to use that word. One day, I will make a post that asks, "What (male) characters would you describe as lovely?" (I'm sorry, unpopular opinion time even though I wasn't asked, but if someone were to say Chuck Bass, I would be sad. I have my own issues with him – and I don't even watch the show, so it may be unfair – but still, I don't consider him lovely. Sorry, mini-rant over. Also, I don't even think anyone would cite him as an example; he just suddenly popped into my head.)

[elapses.livejournal.com]

Aww! I never watched that, how old were you?

Yes they do!

Oh he never wore the long hair on the show (thank god), he just got beefier and his hairline receded. But I forgive him, because you know what he does now? He's a producer/director on Chuck. Apparently he has a habit of zooming in on Yvonne Strahovski's face.

Ohhhhh, I can't wait for that post! And yeah, god, Chuck Bass is not at all lovely. No one from Gossip Girl is. Nate comes the closest, but... no.

[thecolorbetween.livejournal.com]

I don't remember! I'm almost positive I was watching it in reruns. Probably in second or third grade? Seeing Mark-Paul Gosselaar as Zack Morris on Jimmy Fallon made me beam.

Oh he never wore the long hair on the show (thank god), he just got beefier and his hairline receded.
No, I didn't think so, but even in those clips, he looked better with the shorter hair. OH MY GOODNESS, I RECOGNIZE HIS NAME NOW! That's so cool! (Dude, he's directed a lot!) Aww, he directed the finale, how cute!

Apparently he has a habit of zooming in on Yvonne Strahovski's face.
Wait, are you saying that's a bad thing, or am I just reading it wrong?

Ohhhhh, I can't wait for that post!
You know that when I say, "one day," I mean within the next couple of days. But I know it means I have to come up with my lovely characters, and that's hard! CHUCK BARTOWSKI AND AWESOME AND DADDY-O BARTOWSKI ARE LOVELY, duh, but still! Is Michael Vaughn lovely? I just don't know. Seth Cohen and Ryan Atwood, boom, lovely.

[elapses.livejournal.com]

That seems eaaaarly! I was a late TV bloomer though, my parents were hippies and if it wasn't PBS, I didn't see it. When I started watching Voyager reruns after 5th grade, I actually thought they were making a new episode every day for me.

Oh okay I see what you're saying now! The long hair is earlier (season 1), and the short hair is a little later (2 & 3). And he does direct a lot -- that's actually what the actress who played his eventual wife (Roxann Dawson) does now too! It kiiiiind of delights me, because neither of them were directors before they did Voyager, and now they get to stay involved with a lot of my shows (especially him, she seems to direct more crimey stuff). (CATHERINE AND I HAVE A THEORY THAT HE IS, you know, at least partially responsible for bringing Daddy Bartowski into our lives.)

Wait, are you saying that's a bad thing, or am I just reading it wrong?
No I think it's really sweet! I the strahotski.com guy made that comment, and it made me smile.

Sandy Cohen is also lovely, let us not forget just because he is old. Michael Vaughn is an absolute yes in my book, and Sam Seaborn is basically the penultimate specimen (well, it could be a tie with Ned the Piemaker).

[dictatorcari]

OH GOD THAT VIDEO, THAT VIDEO!!!

[elapses.livejournal.com]

[forthesky.livejournal.com]

HA, your commentary is hilarious.

And omg, that video is awesome. That cave scene was the one I watched, y/y? Where the girl was all "let's have sex!!"? That was lolarious.

I am glad you're having so much fun rewatching!! I managed to rewatch Pushing Daisies S1, Chuck S1, start rewatching Chuck S2 & start watching Wonderfalls in three days. :/

[elapses.livejournal.com]

Lol yes, that was the scene you watched. GOD I HEART THAT EPISODE. Every show should have an episode where they give a girl a compulsion to mate and throw her in a cave with a dude who must (nobly) refuse her advances because he's in love with her.

Hahahahah that's the magic of no school!

UGH OKAY EMMA I AM SERIOUSLY OUT THE DOOR (I TOLD MY FRIEND I WOULD BE AT HIS STUPID PARTY LIKE AN HOUR AGO? LOL FAIL) BUT I LOVE YOU! Hi!

[outintherain.livejournal.com]

HOW COULD I FORGET THE LOLS IN THIS EPISODE? OMFGS...

[whalelines.livejournal.com]

lolololol this ep. i need to go read my fanfic that I wrote about it!!!!

[book-babe.livejournal.com]

i don't even watchhhh voyager and this was absolutely hilarious hilarious hilarious to read. i'm a fan.

[the-wanlorn.livejournal.com]

BFFS IN SPACE

[superskittles76.livejournal.com]

OMG THE POST AND THE VIDEO AND THE COMMENTS ALL JUST KILLED ME DED. HOW DID I NEVER NOTICE THE RIDICULOUSNESS OF THIS EPISODE?! I AM FAR EASIER THAN JANEWAY BECAUSE CHAKOTAY WON ME OVER SO FAST I DIDN'T NOTICE HOW HILARIOUS THIS ALL IS. I CAN'T STOP LAUGHING LMFAOOO

Omg that video, I can't believe you included when he and Janeway transformed and had bbs. That still kills me. That episode is so insane, idek.

STOP MAKING ME WANT TO REWATCH VOYAGER, I HAVE TOO MANY OTHER SHOWS TO WATCH!! :P